About Help
Often, we see someone we think should be helped, and perhaps many of you have experienced wanting to help someone, but that person either didn’t accept the help or accepted it but it didn’t actually help them.
I will share two true stories.
The Beggar
The first happened with a well-known person. It was featured in a local newspaper, but unfortunately not the whole story, only this:
There was a beggar in front of a grocery store. He always received some money or food from the customers. Of course, there were people who angrily sent him away, telling him to go work instead. One time, a well-known couple passed by, stopped to talk with him, listened to his complaints, and it turned out he wanted to visit his family in the countryside but didn’t have money for the train. They felt sorry for him. They gave him some money and drove him with their own car to the other side of the country to his family. They were very happy to have helped, and as popular (and conscious lifestyle and sports-focused) people, they thought about the marketing angle and the story got into the media. They thought how great of a thing they did. However, they had no idea that shortly after, the man reappeared at his usual place begging again.
This, however, did not appear in the media. I know this because my wife is from that small town where the beggar was taken. We asked the locals, and it turned out the man never intended to stay there. He originally went to the big city and now only stayed home for about a week. Somehow, on the way back, he managed to get the train ticket after all.
For him, it was comfortable that people always gave him some money or food. He didn’t have to work, and he lived well on that. He didn’t want to improve his situation. He didn’t need help because he already had everything he needed.
The unemployed
I was still young and, as an enthusiastic member of a Christian congregation, I wanted to help a young guy in a similar situation. This man was always sleeping at the train station, without shoes, ragged and smelly. He had no job and just wandered around all day. I spoke to him about Jesus, his Savior, and told him that both I and the congregation would help him. Since he didn’t have shoes, I gave him one of my own—the right one—because back then I was quite poor myself (this happened in the 90s) and only had two pairs of shoes. One congregant got him a job, and we thought we did the right thing.
Then he complained that his coworkers mocked and excluded him. It turned out he still didn’t bathe and didn’t really work. After a short while, he left the workplace and was back at the train station, smelly, without shoes, and in rags.
When I spoke to him again, he said he didn’t need the job. He was fine without shoes and bathing. He didn’t care at all about what would happen in winter.
Has this happened to others as well?
Such examples didn’t just happen to me. I have often heard that some people simply refuse to accept help. Even if we offer it, after some time they are still in the same place. And if we try to help further, they might even get angry at us, asking to be left alone. In such cases, some well-meaning people, after hitting such walls, say that they won’t help anymore.
Questions
What lies behind this?
Why do people refuse genuine, sincerely offered help?
The truth is that they are not in a position to accept help.
But what does “not in a position” mean?
It means they don’t need help; they think everything they’re doing is fine, and they simply don’t require help. They understand why someone might want to help them, but they believe they don’t need help because they know what to do.
But what is it that makes someone accept help?
Or what if they really don’t need help? Then we simply don’t help, and that’s it. What’s the problem with that?
The way it works
The fact is that for someone to accept help, they need to go through stages in their way of thinking. Ultimately, their mindset needs to change, but this does not happen all at once or in a single step.
This is where well-meaning people make the mistake of thinking it is enough if the person just changes their mind or adjusts their attitude, and that is sufficient. Unfortunately, it is not. They have to go through a process.
They must recognize that their current situation or condition is not good. We remember that in the cases above, I already made a mistake here because I thought he wanted to change. He didn’t want to, because it was good for him.
Once recognized, they need to realize that if nothing changes, things will continue the same way. This is obvious to us, so we don’t think about it, but it isn’t for them.
Then they need to understand that if things continue like this, their situation will get worse. This is logical to us, but not to someone in a bad situation.
Next, they must realize that it would be worth doing something to stop this process. This is difficult because such people are usually not very proactive.
Then they should understand that they cannot change this alone. Humans are much more successful in teams and supportive environments.
Only after the person has gone through this mental process will the desire develop in them to seek and then accept help if they find or receive it.
Until someone goes through this path, they will not accept help. That is why people reject help and may even get angry about why anyone would want to help them at all.
The question then remains: How can we determine where someone is on this path, and are there methods to guide them through this mental journey?
Of course, it is possible. ☺